Graham's Top Tips

[Penners]

I have heard of the Goon Show

Written by Spike Milligna, the well-known typing error.

 

[MdB]

Bit long, but good fun, and fits in with the gist of the thread......
Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
<snip>

All fake I'm afraid http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

 

[Penners]

As, I suspect, are the Darwin Awards.

 

[Gervase]

As, I suspect, are the Darwin Awards.

Mirabile dictu, they are one of the few things on the internet that can be believed. The site that hosts the Darwins goes to some lengths to check the veracity of each year's crop.
So, yes, there really are people that stupid paddling around in the shallow end of the gene pool. What's really worrying is that most of them probably could have voted for George Bush - in fact they probably did.

 

[Geoff Flegg]

Voted for George Bush?

What's more worrying is that one of them probably is George Bush !

 

[Aidan]

It does make one wonder how many people's last mortal utterance is a piqued and surprised "Oh shi.."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/158199.stm

 

[Aidan]

In order to accurately locate an 11,000 volt cable in a half-acre field, employ a drilling contractor to drill a random 3" hole to obtain soil samples and be sure to get him to confirm that he has checked the ground with a cable detector.

Then, you can hurry back to boil the kettle before the power goes off, confident that the nice Irish gentlemen from the electricity company will be visiting shortly to dig the cable up.

 

[SGray]

When you are a little worried about the condition of the concrete render covering the outside of your period property
DON'T
bang the door mat on it to shake out the dust.

 

[skier-hughes]

In order to accurately locate an 11,000 volt cable in a half-acre field, employ a drilling contractor to drill a random 3" hole to obtain soil samples and be sure to get him to confirm that he has checked the ground with a cable detector.

Then, you can hurry back to boil the kettle before the power goes off, confident that the nice Irish gentlemen from the electricity company will be visiting shortly to dig the cable up.

In a similar vein.
Having purchased a 1/3 acre plot, adjacent to our house, for my birthday, Jo made me dig a hole for the corner post, 18"sq by 2'6" deep, on said birthday, to mark it out.

What did I find 2' down, but a drain pipe

 

[NT]

When gingerly drilling a hole with a holesaw, dont, as you think the bit is about to break through, give it one last good shove.

Still, I spose its cheaper than jet fuel if you want things to fly.


NT

 

[Lime]

In a similar vein.
Having purchased a 1/3 acre plot, adjacent to our house, for my birthday, Jo made me dig a hole for the corner post, 18"sq by 2'6" deep, on said birthday, to mark it out.

What did I find 2' down, but a drain pipe

In a very similar vein too.
When putting in posts for your fence at the bottom of the garden dig deep with care!
I found/hit the high pressure gas main (part of the grid) running along the rear of my property. :shock: :shock:

 

[biffvernon]

When asked to make a window for a 16th century house, which on the insistance of the CO should have four panes of glass, don't make it with six panes of glass.

 

[NT]

When asked to make a window for a 16th century house, which on the insistance of the CO should have four panes of glass, don't make it with six panes of glass.

That could be a real pain


NT

 

[Penners]

When asked to make a window for a 16th century house, which on the insistance of the CO should have four panes of glass, don't make it with six panes of glass.

Just take two of the panes out. They'll never notice.

 

[MdB]

When asked to make a window for a 16th century house, which on the insistance of the CO should have four panes of glass, don't make it with six panes of glass.

Just take two of the panes out. They'll never notice.

and fit a piece of hardboard (see other thread...)

 

[biffvernon]

Just take two of the panes out. They'll never notice.
and fit a piece of hardboard

I would have done but the customer is a PPUK contributer.

 

[Lime]

When asked to make a window for a 16th century house, which on the insistance of the CO should have four panes of glass, don't make it with six panes of glass.

Just take two of the panes out. They'll never notice.

Yes that's a good idea and call the two holes left without glass trickle vents.

 

[middi]

It appears that quite a number of contributors of this thread have an odd " screw" missing. There is one or two that have managed to hang on to all their screws but have lost the engine.

ME !!!......screws.....I need to carry a screwdriver everywhere I go, too many are coming loose at this stage in life.

My only worry is that now I tend to forget the screwdriver.

 

[Gareth Hughes]

When out surveying a site with one of the cad-monkeys from the office, don't use a metal tape measure if there's the slightest chance that said (glove-wearing) monkey will interpret "measure right up to the fence" as an instruction to hook the end of the tape over anything with a current flowing through it.

I broke the Norfolk long-jump record with that one.

 

[plumbers mate]

>> When out surveying a site with one of the cad-monkeys from the office, don't use a metal tape measure if there's the slightest chance that said (glove-wearing) monkey will interpret "measure right up to the fence" as an instruction to hook the end of the tape over anything with a current flowing through it.<<


Been there, seen it happen - how we laughed .... Thing was we could see what the poor soul was doing and were too far away to shout to him not to do it. Well, he laughed too later in the Bar!