Graham's Top Tips

[skier-hughes]

Carrying on from Geoff's post,

Don't
Remove floorboards to change the place the heating pipes from your Rayburn enter the upstairs.

Then cover the opened up area with the carpet so any dust from work you are doing while waiting for the plumber to arrive doesn't stray upstairs.

Why

Because when you take the plumber upstairs to show him the tank, you think, why did I put that big piece of wood on the floor, step straight over it and and end up straddling a beam, with a big graze down your right cheek as you hit an upright and mighty sore middle area.

 

[biffvernon]

Lesson, just because you cannot see fingers, does not mean they are not there.

Wasn't it Piaget who said that babies leave that stage of reasoning at about 18 months?

 

[Jane Smith]

So anyone have any publishing friends?

I have a few publishing friends... I'm a writer, and have written and had published (at last count) about 17 books, plus quite a lot of print journalism.

The writing's not the problem, nor is illustrating: those bits are the easy ones to sort out. It's distribution which always causes a problem. For that you need a real, commercial publisher to commission the book, and I don't think this sort of thing would be taken on--it's potential market is far too small, and it's unlikely to show any profit. It is possible to self-publish via a POD operation (and if anyone here wants to do it, I'll tell you how) but then you have to sell the book. And it will prove impossible to get the book into bookshops, or to get it reviewed, so no one will see it and no one will buy it. Sorry to be so negative. I've just seen it happen too many times to keep quiet about it.

You can find my most recent effort online at http://www.crackofdeath.com, I think--a collaborative effort, for which I was not paid. But it was for an excellent cause.

 

[thiambal]

I used to work in publishing and had the unenvidable job of looking at the unsolicited manuscripts and sending rejection letters.

On my first atttempt I wasked one of the grizzled old editors on the best way to approach such a letter. His response.....


Dear Sir,

Thank you for your manuscript. I have wasted absolutely no time in reading it.

Yours faithfully etc...


Very little money to be made in most book publishing unfortuantely, only a few dozen authors are truly profitable!

 

[Nemesis]

Usually known as the slush pile...

Anyhow, so far it would be a very slim volume indeed!

(Rather like 'The Wit and Wisdom of Penners...')

No no - only jesting David! I love you really!

 

[Jane Smith]

I worked as an editor, too. The slush pile is incredible: if you've never been exposed to that sort of writing you won't be able to believe quite how bad it is. No wonder 99.9% of books remain unpublished. It does, however, make it all the easier for people who are half-way competent to sell their books, despite the commonly accepted view that it's almost impossible.

 

[DaveBrigg]

When choosing an electrician to rewire your property, a set of bathroom scales should be used to determine the lightest applicant. The slightly overweight chap might have a lower quote, but you will more than make up the difference in the cost of having large areas of your upstairs ceilings replastered.

 

[Schoolmarm]

When lopping a large branch off a cherry tree in your garden, make sure your back is towards the tree trunk and your whole body is on the "right" side of the cut whilst looking upwards and gaily lopping.

Thus neatly avoiding large branch dropping onto your nose and top lip.

 

[arl]

whilst installing your new wireless router dont place the live wires in your mouth to free up your hands so you can check the instruction booklet.
that one was courtesy of my brother. luckily they are only low voltage because i was laughing too hard to help

 

[thiambal]

Don't, as one of our local fishermen did recently.... stick your finger in an engine turbo to see if it is working.

Fisherman's Finger anyone?

 

[Penners]

(Rather like 'The Wit and Wisdom of Penners...')

I'm sorry - I just haven't got the time to write such a tome. It would rival "Seven Pillars of Wisdom" in its weightiness.

 

[Nemesis]

The world then is an impoverished place.

 

[Gervase]

It does make one wonder how many people's last mortal utterance is a piqued and surprised "Oh shi.."

 

[Nemesis]

Or indeed - bugger Bognor.

 

[Jane Smith]

It could provide a whole new side to the Darwin Awards, though.

 

[yoofookinwah]

In an area of the house trying to hit a nail in I could not hold it, swing and hit it with my Estwing. I asked my nephew to help. Willing helper picks up the hammer...

Me "When I nod my head, hit it"

Nods head

Nephew whacks my head....

With apologies to The Goon Show, 1961.

I have heard of the Goon Show but it is a good 15 years before my time, no plagiarism here.

 

[Nemesis]

Oh, ying tong ying tong...

http://www.thegoonshow.co.uk/scripts/wings_over_dagenham.html

 

[BMcD]

http://www.darwinawards.com/

 

[BMcD]

http://www.darwinawards.com/

 

[skier-hughes]

Bit long, but good fun, and fits in with the gist of the thread......



Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
lawsuits in the United States

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.



5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.



5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the home owner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!



4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.









3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.



1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.