Graham's Top Tips

[Penners]

Just a quick congratulatory note to Graham. I reckon this reply will be the 300th on 'Graham's Top Tips'.

And what a mine of useless information it is. :wink:

 

[skier-hughes]

Well done penners.
When it gets to 500 I'm making my book!!!!

 

[Flyfisher]

Erm, according to the post counter at the foot of the page, it looks like Penners' post was number 301.

(I wouldn't have mentioned it but this forum is known for its pedantry and I'd hate to let standads slip.)

 

[MdB]

Standads??

It was the 300th reply (as shown on the forum list) but the 301st post.

 

[Flyfisher]

Standads?
Indeed. I'll blame it on the spell-checker being set to the wrong dialect and will duly beat the wife later.

300th reply/301st post - I agree, but Penners didn't mention reply. :wink:

Life's too short for all this.

 

[Aidan]

Interesting idea. I've got a pallet fork attachment for my tractor - I could go to my local store and collect a whole pallet load of cata-"logs"

You could run a steam locomotive on the free papers abandoned on the London Underground every day. There is a cunning plan forming.

 

[Jon Maine]

Interesting idea. I've got a pallet fork attachment for my tractor - I could go to my local store and collect a whole pallet load of cata-"logs"

You could run a steam locomotive on the free papers abandoned on the London Underground every day. There is a cunning plan forming.

Yes but wouldn't it get to smokey in the tunnels?? :shock:

 

[Jon Maine]

And all of those little unburnt pieces of paper which exhaust out of the chimney, what a mess.

 

[plumbers mate]

The London Underground *was* run by steam engines originally.
Paper isn't any good in the firebox of a loco. :|

 

[Penners]

Penners didn't mention reply.

He does now....

 

[Flyfisher]

. . . and thus, honour is duly restored.

 

[Aidan]

Yes but wouldn't it get to smokey in the tunnels?? :shock:

Really? :lol:

 

[DaveBrigg]

Lime plasterers, recycling and road works do not make happy bedfellows.
Good lime plasterers are comparatively rare, and when you find one to work on scaffolding at the front of your house, care must be taken to prevent an inattentive farmer clipping the tower with his tractor, thus leaving your property unrendered. Happily, the expansion of kerb-side recycling means that most properties have a selection of wheelie bins, which can be linked with hazard tape to provide an obstacle big enough to make most drivers take care. This is especially important when most crick their necks going past trying to see what 'them new people in the village are doing to Bell's old farmhouse'. Standing next to the access tower in a high visibility jacket also helps.
However, speaking with hindsight, the appearance of roadworks in the next street gives a higher than average chance that an inspector from the council's highways contractor will pass by, perform a quick U-turn, put on his white hat and read out the relevant section of the Road Traffic Regulation Act 1984. I can confirm that wheelie bins do not fall with the approved list of traffic control measures, but that being a private individual rather than a contractor, and consulting with someone in the highways dept beforehand gives a reasonable chance of avoiding a fine on a first offence.

 

[skier-hughes]

gives a reasonable chance of avoiding a fine on a first offence.

Let's hope he isn't unreasonable then. :wink:

 

[DaveBrigg]

An old one this, but worth warning about...
When looking to buy an old property which has been empty for a couple of years, the estate agent may allow you time to wander freely and get a feel for the place. If you need to use the bathroom, it's an obvious point that a check should first be made to ensure that there is a water supply. However, you should always make sure that you know the location of the fuseboard too.
Otherwise, when you flush, you will have less than five seconds to run downstairs, locate the mains isolation and throw the switch to reconnect power to the macerator, before the toilets backs up and creates a mini Niagara on the bathroom floor.

 

[MdB]

When placing a doorway half way up a wall, remember to fit steps... and to fix that dripping tap.

http://failblog.org/2009/08/24/waterfall-fail/

When attempting to cut your fingers off, always wear suitable eye protection...

http://failblog.org/2009/08/21/eye-protection-fail/

Always label switches so you know what they do...

http://failblog.org/2009/08/15/lightswitch-fail/

 

[robgil]

oooh top tips,

a few from viz perhaps?

1. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
2. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
3. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
4. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
5. People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
6. Single men, Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
7. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

 

[Penners]

Now THAT'S a damp problem.

 

[MdB]

Is it too early to talk about Christmas presents?

http://failblog.org/2009/09/27/manicure-set-fail/

 

[DaveBrigg]

With the party conference season in full swing, and an election on the horizon, it is best to be prepared for a visit by your local honoury member.