Graham's Top Tips

[Feltwell]

diagonal runs are out!

Listen bor, in Norf'k thass not doi-agonal. Thass slantendicular. Un't ut.

I think e's on the huh. No doubt 'bout that.

 

[MdB]

When are the government going to introduce and enforce a total ban on all rats and mice?

And kittens too. I've recently repaired the neighbours clock radio after the cat decided to shred its power lead. There is some debate over whether the power lead being a low voltage lead was a good thing or a bad thing....

 

[Penners]

I think e's on the huh. No doubt 'bout that.

"On the huh"?! Yew from Saaahffolk, bwee?

 

[Feltwell]

I think e's on the huh. No doubt 'bout that.

"On the huh"?! Yew from Saaahffolk, bwee?

Dangerously close Penners, dangerously close. I was born about 100 yards from the border - just about on the right side in Narrfok though...... :wink:

 

[Flyfisher]

Strange place, the Norfolk/Suffok border. We're in Norfolk, making us 'North Folk'. Penners is in Suffolk, making him 'South Folk'. However, we're to the south of Penners . . . .

 

[Moo]

Penners is in Suffolk, making him 'South Folk'.

Correction: Penners in neither Norfolk nor Suffolk. He's in The Saints, which is an area of great mystery.....

 

[AMc]

Strange place, the Norfolk/Suffok border. We're in Norfolk, making us 'North Folk'. Penners is in Suffolk, making him 'South Folk'. However, we're to the south of Penners . . . .

So technically you're in South Norfolk - which to me sounds silly when said out loud. Like West Essex or or East Wessex

 

[Penners]

Penners in neither Norfolk nor Suffolk. He's in The Saints, which is an area of great mystery.....

Thass roit, gel. The mystery is principally - how the hell does anyone ever find us?

But it's a wonderful area. As a local farmer said to me, the first time I met him, "Thass the Land o' Peace rewnd hare."

So technically you're in South Norfolk - which to me sounds silly when said out loud. Like West Essex or or East Wessex

Or, indeed, where we are: north Suffolk.

 

[AMc]

This isn't particularly funny but I figured I'd post it for the amusement of the self builders among us.

I've had a massive heap of builders spoil outside the house for months and months and months - making the house look like a dump. Skips cost £160 each and I have no machinery to load one so I've been putting that off. As I'm laying 40m2 odd of patio I figured that some of the old concrete, damaged brick, tile etc. that we'd dug out of the house would make a good solid sub-base. It would kill 2 birds with one stone - help with the clean up and help with the patio.

So I dug out several tons of top soil to the 150mm marks on my pegs then started to mine the mountain for hardcore.
Quite soon I discovered that breaking rubble up into <50mm chunks is more effort and takes more time than I had first imagined. Having anticipated the job taking 2-3 days it took almost 10 to put 75mm of "loosely" packed of hardcore in

So on Friday my pal the builder drops off his 'wacker' (plate compacter) and a mixer so I can start this morning. Mike Wye's pallet delivery arrives 1st thing and I move 1/2 a ton of bagged lime from the pavement to the garden where it's needed - nice job in 28C heat.

Next I run the wacker over the rubble expecting it to drop several cm and need to top it up. To my dismay it compacts very little, simply firming up rock solid without much drop - well any drop. Particularly gauling is it moves the least where I need it to drop the most.

Then (because I'm clearly not that bright) I do the "falls" calculation on patio #1 which I should have done first - 1:60 gradient for a patio 3.6m x 4.2m is 60mm in one direction and 70mm in the other. My now (nicely compacted) hardcore is in places barely below the surface of the string line for the finished level - amusingly it's probably lowest near the house where I had a good line on the brickwork to fill to and where I need the fall to start so the water runs away from the house.

Tomorrow morning I get to rake and shovel out a load of my laboriously mined hardcore in order to get to a point where I can wack it all again.

Moral of this story - you really can't spend too much time planning and marking out before you start the hard labour.

 

[Flyfisher]

I'm finding myself spending more and more time planning these days, but I suspect it's a psychological trick-of-the-mind to put off the day when the labour - hard or mild - is actually required in order to get something finished.

I'm blaming it all on the heat.

 

[LadyArowana]

My dearest husband always plans not to be here when anything is happening. Today he managed to avoid a statue being delivered in a huge crate. The gallery had sent it with a freight company not a "moving" company. So large man arrives with it on trolley, gets me to sign and says goodbye :shock: Worst of all I was sure it was upside down, so first I have to flip the thing, which weighs more than I do, then I have to break out the tool kit to actually get it open. Luckily it was undamaged and I seem to be as well.

 

[JoceAndChris]

But whatever is it? That's so exciting! You do realise statues come alive at night don't you, so I hope you've bought someone sweet like Persephone and not one of the Furies.

 

[JoceAndChris]

I'm blaming it all on the heat.

I couldn't agree more, I'm so much more useless than normal in this weather. And we've run out of rainwater again, which means I'm inclined to go shopping and lunch out.

Moral of this story - you really can't spend too much time planning and marking out before you start the hard labour.

A good story and tip!

 

[LadyArowana]

But whatever is it? That's so exciting! You do realise statues come alive at night don't you, so I hope you've bought someone sweet like Persephone and not one of the Furies.

I don't have one of her at home as the sun was in the wrong place, but this was when it was in the square in Bologna. Luckily they didn't send the wooden base thing, which was just a temporary for the show, no way I could have wrestled her back on top of that.

 

[JoceAndChris]

What an elegant frog princess! I hope you've allowed enough space for when she comes to life and kisses that frog though.

 

[Penners]

one of the Furies.

Wasn't Billy Fury a member of that lot?

Or am I thinking of Davy Arthur?

 

[Gareth Hughes]

In keeping with the current hospital thread that's going on at the moment (and I know this is rather a retrospective Top Tip, but you never know, senility might catch up and I'll do it again) -

If you are ten years old, and chasing other family members round the garden, try to remember that the tall, rusty, wrought-iron gate opens towards you. And, if possible, do not attempt to open it with your eyebrows.

 

[philpjuk100]

Seriously, have you noticed those bent steel gate latches have the thumb lever at about the eye level of an eight year old? have seen a nasty forehead injury caused by one of these,it could have been so much worse,replaced it with a "twist the ring"type.phil.

 

[JoceAndChris]

Owwwwww. These stories are too painfully reminsicent of my brother opening his arm on a spiked railing at around 8 years old (I was 5 and howled so loudly all the neighbours came out, he made hardly any noise at all).

Anyway -top tip for this morning - when you have lovingly prepared, sanded, primed, painted your bathroom floor, a process taking a few weeks, don't grow too accustomed to its lovely wipe-clean properties and imagine you can splash the hair dye round with not a care in the world. It now looks like there's been a murder in there and needs repainting.

 

[Penners]

splash the hair dye round with not a care in the world. It now looks like there's been a murder in there and needs repainting.

A murder?!

Good grief - what colour are you dying your hair? :shock:

And more to the point, why?

Surely not...