Progress report needed

[Nigel Watts]

When I worked for an insurance broking firm in the City less than a decade ago the very grand oak and walnut panelled directors' floor was serviced by a bevvy of liveried butlers in tailcoats. After being taken over by KKR, an American private equity firm, we were run for a while run by a 20-something Wharton MBA, who used to come over from new York on a regular basis to tell us we weren't trying hard enough.

One of the butlers somehow discovered that our American friend liked Kit-Kats. The butler would enquire as to the timing of his next visit and ensure that two of these chocolate bars were put into the fridge in his pantry sufficiently in advance. On arrival they would be presented by the butler, freshly chilled, on a silver salver complete with starched lace doily.

The great firm has since moved into a wonderful modernistic Norman Foster building and all the fusty old antiques auctioned/pensioned off. The liveried butlers are now a thing of the past.

I am obliged by a contract I signed on leaving never to say anything unflattering about the firm or its former clients, of which I am one. As I pointed out to my former employer's lawyers, it is a tall order to expect an Englishman never to make a self-deprecatory remark, but my honour (not to mention a handsome payout) depends on me not doing so.

 

[Gareth Hughes]

That reminds me of a (sadly very remote) ancestor who had a very large house in North Wales, making his annual inspection of the service areas and asking the purpose of one room with only a table in it. The butler returned after a few minutes with the response, "I understand it is used for ironing the newspaper, sir." :shock:

I expect you know the old joke about His lordship and the butler in Garrards. But just in case you don't:-

His Lordship was browsing in Garrards for a birthday gift for Her Ladyship. He was accompanied, of course, by his butler.

His Lordship spotted a couple of solid silver napkin rings on display, and asked the butler, "Chalmers, what are those?"

"I understand, milord, that they are domestic accoutrements employed at the dining table. Certain people will roll up their table napkins and insert them into such rings, to be kept for further use at the next meal."

His Lordship looked horrified. "Good God, Chalmers!" he exclaimed. "One had no idea that such poverty existed."

Reminiscent of the Duke of Bedford's celebrated remark when his valet was unavailable one morning - "my tootbrush isn't foaming!"