How to get your property noticed...

[Zebra]

Or you could write an ad for the Woodworm Weekly Advertiser and Spider Times, then you might get more interest.

 

[Feltwell]

I didn't ever see an estate agents blurb for my place, but it might have read something like:
A charming old character cottage, on which all the charm and character has been carefully concealed to make way for 1960s modernity. Owners need not be troubled by the large open fireplace with brick recess, it has all been modernised and converted with clever use of cement render and asbestos.
Similarly, the lime plastered ceilings, which would make a house such as this seem dated and old fashioned, have been modernised with polystyrene. The period front door of the property has been removed, making way for a modern U-PVC porch, adding the extra wow-factor.
Homeowners who like pink will be delighted, as every single inch of wall has been creatively decorated in this eye-catching colour, whilst the original brick floor has been beautifully cemented over, resulting in a much lower ceiling height, a bonus for those under 6 feet tall.
Keeping to the theme of avoiding all period detail, the exterior of the property is enhanced with a lumpy cement render in battleship grey, and U-PVC windows.
All efforts have been made to trap damp in the walls with careful use of cement render, in order that the occupants need not concern themselves with witnessing the inevitable decay of the building.
All in all, a period property for those who dislike period properties, and a must-see for anyone wanting a house that's trying to be something it's not.

Mmmm, hang on a minute...... :!:

- Decorated loudly in pink
- Trying to pretend it's much younger than it really is
- Inappropriate plastic extensions added to the front

It's not a house, it's Pamela Anderson!

 

[LadyArowana]

- Decorated loudly in pink
- Trying to pretend it's much younger than it really is
- Inappropriate plastic extensions added to the front

It's not a house, it's Pamela Anderson!

Awww, don't be mean to Pammy, she had the same sort of issues with builders that we can sympathise with.....http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbi...ndersons-home-home--bedroom-mobile-shack.html

 

[MatthewC]

Needs a bit more estate agent speak Matthew - how about:-

On approaching, you will discover this period home offers a high degree of seclusion within it's very private garden - in fact so much seclusion that viewers are advised to bring their own machete in order to find the front door. Once inside the property, one will discover the wonderful natural atmosphere within - natural for England that is, which is generally cold & damp.

The previous owner was very careful to not disturb any period features, including the ancient wiring, plumbing and rampant woodworm and thriving spider populations. Truly, the house has been left as a testament to the amount of effort & investment they put into preserving this wonderful property for future generations. In fact the property and the previous owner are both in a similar condition - gently decomposing and returning to nature.

Clearly YOU should be an estate agent!

However, the previous owner was actually found dead here in a severely decomposed state after not being seen for several weeks, so the last sentence is slightly TOO true!!!!

 

[Feltwell]

Hmm, yes in that context my last line is in very bad taste!

Speaking of houses in a state - we've got our own little event this week, a few hundred yards down my road. A notorious hoarder is having his garden and house forcibly cleared by contractors following a court order obtained by the local authority. I don't actually think it's going to solve anything - I saw him out today with his wheelbarrow, collecting more junk to take back to his house, as he does on most days. He's a nice enough chap when you speak to him, clearly very eccentric but he fairly obviously has mental health issues to do with his obsessive collecting & hoarding and I can see that the house will be likely to return to it's previous state within a relatively short space of time.

I feel sorry for his immediate neighbours, the court order was a last resort after he failed to clear the house himself after previous notices were served on him. There are real problems there with rodent infestations caused by all the rubbish - but he doesn't see it as being rubbish. Apart from keep obtaining court orders when the house gets too bad, it's difficult to know what can be done.

 

[Penners]

A notorious hoarder

In which context, make a note to visit the NT's Snowshill Manor, if you should find yourself in the Cotswolds. It's near Broadway.

The previous owner, Charles Wade, was a notorious hoarder, albeit of interesting and precious stuff rather than junk. The house is stuffed with the most extraordinarily eclectic mix of collections - everything from scrimshaw to Japanese armour to model farm vehicles to locks... it's impossible to remember all of the items that he had collected. It was said of Wade that "if he found two of something in his pocket, he would start a collection of them".

The garden is lovely, too. It's a fascinating visit.

http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/snowshill-manor/

 

[Feltwell]

Sounds considerably more pleasant than "my" hoarder, who luckily for me lives a few hundred yards away round a corner! Apparently amongst his collection is food cartons in the fridge that date back 16 years.......

I had to smile at the article in the local paper. The Environmental Health Officer is quoted as saying "Rats carry vile diseases" - What makes me think that the reporter has never heard of Weil's disease?

 

[Zebra]

Mmmm, hang on a minute...... :!:

- Decorated loudly in pink
- Trying to pretend it's much younger than it really is
- Inappropriate plastic extensions added to the front

It's not a house, it's Pamela Anderson!

I had to cover my laptop screen just now to stop the house from seeing that! How could you?! :wink:
Very funny though.....

 

[Feltwell]

Sorry Zebra's house. I take it all back. :wink:

 

[LadyArowana]

Sounds considerably more pleasant than "my" hoarder, who luckily for me lives a few hundred yards away round a corner! Apparently amongst his collection is food cartons in the fridge that date back 16 years.......

I had to smile at the article in the local paper. The Environmental Health Officer is quoted as saying "Rats carry vile diseases" - What makes me think that the reporter has never heard of Weil's disease?

Obviously he isn't alone in his hobby, http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4195372/OAPs-garden-is-a-load-of-shrubbish.html