How to get your property noticed...

[MdB]

This is doing the rounds at the moment.

Ignore the pics and read the description...
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-33326431.html

 

[Feltwell]

I thought that was a spoof, but on checking the agent's website directly, it's on there. I can only think it was the last act of a disgruntled employee before leaving the company - the other properties on the site are written in the usual gushing estate agent prose, even those that obviously need work.

From the pictures it doesn't look that bad - a big crack is evident in the hallway plaster, but it looks to be in a lot better condition than many houses I've seen!

I'm surprised the agency hasn't twigged yet and taken it off their website.

 

[JoceAndChris]

Gosh, how funny. As Feltwell says, it makes you really wonder about who wrote that, and why. I agree the photos don't really do justice to the withering scorn of the description!

 

[Feltwell]

I was just thinking how Feltwell Towers could have been described when I first saw it:-

On approaching the property, the driveway is flanked to one side by an original high Victorian garden wall which if you are fortunate will not collapse on you. The soil in the front garden is clearly highly fertile from the overgrown nature of all the plants contained therein, some of which we understand may have actually been deliberately planted.

At the end of the driveway one will note a pair of detached single garages, one of which is a lean to. This was clearly built to be freestanding, but now relies on the other garage for support. On opening the garage one will find that it is well ventilated but not well drained, as evidenced by the 2" of water standing on the floor.

The patio area to the rear of the property has been shoddily constructed in "council grey" feature paving slabs, with uneven steps descending to a small lawned area. From the patio a view can be afforded of a range of greenhouses, to which the new vendor has the opportunity to make their own individual mark by adding glass.

The rear of the property is extensively foliated in "Virginia creeper", and beneath it we are lead to believe are several windows. This creeper extends all the way to the roof of the property to which it aids some structural support.

 

[JoceAndChris]

:lol: Brilliant Feltwell. I think I prefer these honest write-ups:

"Beacon Cottage is a highly individual character property approached by a sinuous mud track, on a good day. On a bad day it's best to walk or your vehicle may sink in mud or snow. The legal rights of access are fairly fuzzy, however the property has a long history of people doing what the hell they please and shooting anyone who comes near so if you're the rebellious sort this may well be the perfect spot.

The garden, with imagination, may be picked out from amongst the very dense covering of livestock, detritus, and woodland. The property is a plain example of a Regency cottage ornee, with sweeping views across a town recently voted the most boring in England. Romantically unconnected to mains water, you can sample pure spring water that features several of the most dangerous kinds of e coli bacteria. Five inadequate radiators costing just £3,000 p/a in oil help to keep the rooms a cosy 10 degrees, and smoke curls prettily from the chimneys of five working fireplaces, if you spend most weekends harvesting, chopping, piling and dragging wood, and cleaning, sweeping and emptying grates, not to mention polishing brass fire surrounds and hoovering accumulated ash and soot blown through the principle rooms by the very stiff breezes from the closed Victorian sashes... etc etc..."

 

[Penners]

Feltwell - that's a great idea! We should all place descriptions of our properties. Here's mine:

A comprehensive description of Chez Penners is necessary, because few prospective purchasers are ever likely to find the place. Nestling amid the open East Anglian fields and kissed by storm-force winds direct from the Ural Mountains, the property lies at the centre of a tortuous web of impossibly narrow lanes, none of which appears to go anywhere useful. Within the deep roadside ditches, the occasional rusting hulk of a car is to be be seen - often containing the skeletons of previous aspiring visitors to the house.

The property faces north-south to enable the reception rooms to take full advantage of what little daylight is available during the winter months. It benefits from both windows and doors, not many of which even attempt to fit the hole in the masonry to which they are fitted.

This is an ideal home for lovers of wildlife. In winter the rats steal most of the bird food from the bird-table and in summer the pigeons feast royally on the human food growing (albeit briefly) in the vegetable garden. Early risers will appreciate the *%@^ing pheasant which ensures that the entire neighbourhood is awake at 5.00am.

And so on...

 

[JoceAndChris]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[LadyArowana]

I committed the sin for which estate agents will never forgive you, I turned a 2 bedroom 2 ensuites apartment into a one bedroom + ensuite. So I spent lots of money to make it worth less......... :lol:

 

[JoceAndChris]

Well good for you! That fits your needs much better. That's how our London flat is too, and tenants always say how they'd rather have the decent sized rooms and make the visitors sleep in a B&B. Before we left London we looked at so-called 2 bed flats -what a joke! A smallish room and a cupboard, generally.

And Mr P - I could also rave about the kissing storm-force blasts and the rats, but I didn't want to appear greedy for features.

 

[Zebra]

I didn't ever see an estate agents blurb for my place, but it might have read something like:
A charming old character cottage, on which all the charm and character has been carefully concealed to make way for 1960s modernity. Owners need not be troubled by the large open fireplace with brick recess, it has all been modernised and converted with clever use of cement render and asbestos.
Similarly, the lime plastered ceilings, which would make a house such as this seem dated and old fashioned, have been modernised with polystyrene. The period front door of the property has been removed, making way for a modern U-PVC porch, adding the extra wow-factor.
Homeowners who like pink will be delighted, as every single inch of wall has been creatively decorated in this eye-catching colour, whilst the original brick floor has been beautifully cemented over, resulting in a much lower ceiling height, a bonus for those under 6 feet tall.
Keeping to the theme of avoiding all period detail, the exterior of the property is enhanced with a lumpy cement render in battleship grey, and U-PVC windows.
All efforts have been made to trap damp in the walls with careful use of cement render, in order that the occupants need not concern themselves with witnessing the inevitable decay of the building.
All in all, a period property for those who dislike period properties, and a must-see for anyone wanting a house that's trying to be something it's not.

 

[Penners]

I committed the sin for which estate agents will never forgive you, I turned a 2 bedroom 2 ensuites apartment into a one bedroom + ensuite. So I spent lots of money to make it worth less......... :lol:

Ditto, milady. Bought a 4-bedroom cottage with no upstairs bathroom. Now own a 3-bedroom cottage in which you don't risk life and limb to go for a pee during the night.

You lose money, you win bladder benefits.

 

[Penners]

Mr P - I could also rave about the kissing storm-force blasts and the rats, but I didn't want to appear greedy for features.

Your modesty does you credit, my dear. But don't forget to mention the handy chicken room in the attic. :wink:

 

[JoceAndChris]

:lol: With the uniquely decorated carpet!

We've made our properties sound so grim, but I know we love them really and go to endless trouble to make them feel happy.

 

[stephenh]

Aaahh - shades of the lovely Roy Brooks, a very successful London estate agent of the 1960s, although dead these 35 years he still gets a mention in Google !

 

[Zebra]

We've made our properties sound so grim, but I know we love them really and go to endless trouble to make them feel happy.

Oh yes definately! It's more than I ever could have dreamed of owning, and I am its slave!!

 

[Penners]

We've made our properties sound so grim, but I know we love them really and go to endless trouble to make them feel happy.

True, but do they love us back? Or do they pass the time in malevolent contemplation, planning the next big breakdown/leak/collapse/decay/failure/etc...?

 

[JoceAndChris]

:lol: Yes, that's very true indeed.

 

[JoceAndChris]

We've made our properties sound so grim, but I know we love them really and go to endless trouble to make them feel happy.

Oh yes definately! It's more than I ever could have dreamed of owning, and I am its slave!!

Sweet, and snap.

 

[MatthewC]

I started to write one for my house:

"Covered in ivy and hidden behind dense foliage, this once wonderful period house is damp thoughout, with holes in the roof and upstairs ceilings. Currently the home of woodworm and thousands of spiders, it has suffered serious neglect at the hands of the previous (now deceased) owner for over 25 years and now needs love and attention, but more specifically loadsa money to re-wire, re-plumb and re-plaster..."

Then I realized that it was all true and no exaggeration...

 

[Feltwell]

Needs a bit more estate agent speak Matthew - how about:-

On approaching, you will discover this period home offers a high degree of seclusion within it's very private garden - in fact so much seclusion that viewers are advised to bring their own machete in order to find the front door. Once inside the property, one will discover the wonderful natural atmosphere within - natural for England that is, which is generally cold & damp.

The previous owner was very careful to not disturb any period features, including the ancient wiring, plumbing and rampant woodworm and thriving spider populations. Truly, the house has been left as a testament to the amount of effort & investment they put into preserving this wonderful property for future generations. In fact the property and the previous owner are both in a similar condition - gently decomposing and returning to nature.