Funnies for Rob

[Penners]

Rob - having caused a massive tectonic drift in your thread, given its original intention I feel obliged to offer you a little smile.

In Sydney airport we were waiting for our flight to be called when a "bogan"* Aussie couple walked past us.

Her: "Do you think there'll be a toilet on the plane?"

Him: "Nah, love. But I'm sure the pilot will stop off somewhere for you."






*http://www.bogan.com.au/definition/index.php

 

[FamilyWiggs]

We flew poor-person class, where the "individual cabin" is replaced by a seat that would have been adequately proportioned for my 4-year-old grandson, and where food is replaced by something that has been skilfully engineered to remove anything redolent of flavour, texture or nutritional value.

Think yourself lucky it wasn't Virgin food:

http://www.boreme.com//boreme/funny-2009/passenger-complaint-letter-to-virgin-p1.php

 

[Flyfisher]

I used to be a frequent flyer with Virgin Atlantic, so I'd mostly eat in the lounges before and/or after the flight where they would serve a wide range of freshly prepared meals.

I'm also blessed with the ability to fall asleep even as the aircraft is pushed-back from the gate, never mind after take-off, so I usually sleep right through anything but the longest flights and thus usually avoid the in-flight catering.

 

[JoceAndChris]

It's lovely to have our Mr P back safe and sound from his holiday - and what a holiday! Pics look fabulous.

 

[LadyArowana]

Think yourself lucky it wasn't Virgin food:

I remember reading somewhere about how the effects of slight difference in pressure etc in a plane play havoc with our taste buds. Even things that would be nice on the ground morph into less than delicious in the air and coupled with the fact that most is cooked ages before and reheated it's almost guaranteed to be awful. The absolute worst thing I ever had was a fried egg in the "before landing" breakfast service on a Lufthansa flight from Singapore to Frankfurt. Given that by then the egg has to have been cooked at least 14 hours before I cannot imagine who thought it was a great idea. Main board directors of airlines really should get economy class food that has been stored and reheated after 8 hours for their meetings, I think that would stop some of the more stupid inclusions in the tinfoil packet.

 

[Penners]

Think yourself lucky it wasn't Virgin food:

I remember reading somewhere about how the effects of slight difference in pressure etc in a plane play havoc with our taste buds. Even things that would be nice on the ground morph into less than delicious in the air

That sounds to me suspiciously like an excuse created by an airline catering chef! My bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk tasted just as good at 35,000 feet as it does at sea level. :wink:

 

[Gareth Hughes]

Miss Prendergast, the church organist, was a spinster in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the vicar came to call. She showed him into her sitting room and invited him to have a seat while she made a pot of tea. As he sat facing her old pedal harmonium, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The vicar tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Prendergast', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ and keep it moist to prevent infection. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

 

[Penners]

Which only serves to support the recent Papal edict that condoms could be acceptable in the prevention of disease.

 

[middi]

"Is Hell, Hot or Cold?"


A retiring Physics professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One "A" was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
There are two possible conditions:
One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

We can resolve this question with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above (hell freezing over) has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
QED.

---" BL%$*Y HELL"---

 

[Flyfisher]

A friend lost their dog so they put an advert in the local paper. It said "Here boy"

 

[middi]

:lol: :lol:
I have just started to read this thread.

( and whilst I am on line).
A married couple are having a hard time financially and emotionally.
Husband says to wife " what would you do if I won the lottery"
Wife replies " take half of the money an leave you"
" good", he replies, " I HAVE WON THE LOTTERY", here's £5 now EFF OFF)

Middi

 

[middi]

Someone sent this to me
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a refugee claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, with maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of these odd clothes and I want to have nice soft skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house?
Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said. .
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to

Sweet f*** all like the rest of us.

And then she disappeared

 

[Flyfisher]

An old lady walks into the vets with what is obviously a very dead budgie.
The vet takes one look and says "Sorry love, that thing's at least a week dead, it's a goner"
"I don't believe it! I want a second opinion!" she shrieks in denial.
So the vet opens a door and out comes a big ginger tabby cat. The cat walks up to the dead budgie, sniffs it, looks at the vet and shakes his head.

"I'm very sorry madam, but your budgie is dead"

"I'm not taking the word of that mangy cat any more than yours! I want another opinion!"

So the vet opens another door and a labrador enters the room. He sniffs the budgie, probs it with his foot, licks it. Shakes his head at the vet and wanders off.

"Right madam, I'm afraid there's nothing further to be said on the subject, your budgie is dead. That'll be three hundred and ten pounds please"

"That's outrageous! Why is it so expensive to tell me my beloved bedgie is dead?"

"Well my appointment fee is only a tenner, but it's a hundred for the cat scan and two hundred for the lab report"

 

[robgil]

Two nuns in a bath, one says 'wears the soap'
the other one says 'it does doesnt it'.

 

[CatherineB]

Two nuns in a bath, one says 'wears the soap'
the other one says 'it does doesnt it'.

[nostalgic smilie] I was schooled in a convent boarding school; I remember this being one of our favourite jokes aged 12 or so!!

 

[CatherineB]

An Englishman's home is his hassle...

 

[Penners]

it's a hundred for the cat scan and two hundred for the lab report"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Penners]

THE TAXMAN, THE FARMER AND THE DUCK


A taxman was duck shooting in rural Yorkshire. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the taxman climbed over the fence, the farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The civil servant responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant taxman said, 'I am a fraud assessor specialising in farm taxation. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll ensure that your tax returns for the last ten years are scrupulously inspected.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes up here in Yorkshire. We deal with disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The taxman asked, 'What’s the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, then so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The taxman thought over the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the man. His first kick planted his steel-toecap workboot straight into the taxman's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff left the man gasping desperately for breath. The taxman was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his backside sent him face-first into a fresh cowpat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the taxman very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Right, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nay lad, I give up. You can have the duck.'

 

[Flyfisher]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
That reminds me of one in a similar vein . . . .

The taxman decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure we that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to try double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad here told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pi$$ all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[Flyfisher]

On a less risque note . . .

I received an anonymous text message earlier today that just read GNBA. I think it's bang out of order!