Funnies for Rob

[CatherineB]

SORRY, THIS IS A BIT PARENT-THEMED, THAT BEING MY "PERIOD", BUT I DETECTED A SENSE OF URGENCY IN ROB'S PLEA FOR FUNNIES!
I WILL TRY TO FIND SOMETHING MORE PERIOD LATER...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2265278/mom_song/

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=youtube+dadsense&sk=&sc=4-11&docid=280701109761&mid=CC89B3F44B32A25290E3CC89B3F44B32A25290E3&FORM=LKVR#

Cx

 

[Flyfisher]

They've started showing The Flintstones in the United Arab Emirates.
The people in Dubai just don't get it, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

 

[Schoolmarm]

They've started showing The Flintstones in the United Arab Emirates.
The people in Dubai just don't get it, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

:lol: :lol:

 

[Feltwell]

One day 2 friends, Hans and Gervase, decided to open a seafood restaurant. They wanted something a little different to make their restaurant stand out - so they decided to get a big tank right in the middle of the restaurant, and let the diners choose what they wanted to eat from what was swimming round inside the tank.

They also had to decide who was doing what job. Hans was a big gruff burly sort of a man, they decided he would be the chef and look after all the kitchen duties, including the washing up. Gervase was a quieter, gentler, more softly spoken man and they decided he would look after the customers.

Their first delivery of live sea food came in - and amongst them was a little green squid with a hare lip. The restaurant opened and was a tremendous success, but no one ever wanted the little squid with the hare lip. Gradually, over time Gervase became quite fond of the him, for he was a friendly mild-mannered little squid.

Then one day a customer came in and selected the little squid with the hare lip. Gervase was very upset but, business is business, so he scooped him out of the tank and took him into the kitchen. He raised the meat cleaver, but - he just couldn't do it. Hans pushed him out of the way - "Don't be so soft, I'll do it" - but then Hans too just couldn't bear to kill the friendly little squid.

And the moral of this tale?

Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervase, with mild green, hairy lip squid.

 

[CatherineB]

Two snowmen standing in a field.

One says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"

 

[JohnB]

A dog and a snowman sit in a field. The dog says to the snowman "Are your lips chilli?"

 

[CatherineB]

Oh John, that has made my day! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[JohnB]

I realised afterwards that I used the wrong photo. I should have used the one of him looking in the right direction!

 

[Penners]

A man walks into a bar (good start, eh?), and orders a beer. The barman draws him a pint and the man sits on a bar stool, next to a dish of peanuts.

"Good evening, sir, " say the peanuts. "May we observe how extremely handsome you're looking tonight? And we do like that shirt - sir obviously has excellent taste."

The man is worried by this strange occurrence, so he decides to go through into the other bar. He spots a fruit machine, and tries to put a coin into the slot.

"Oi! ", says the fruit machine. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Bloody well push off and leave me in peace!"

This time the man is incensed, and complains to the barman abouyt the strange goings-on in the pub. The barman is very apologetic.

"I'm so sorry, sir," he says. "We've been having some problems recently - you see the peanuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is out of order."

 

[Flyfisher]

Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet. "Ayup lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet asks, "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman says "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' us."

 

[Flyfisher]

Or, for Tommy Cooper fans:

I said to the Doctor 'I've broken my arm in several places', he said 'well stop going to those places'.

 

[Flyfisher]

I went to the zoo last week but there were no animals in it apart from a dog. It was a Shitzu.

 

[Flyfisher]

A man walks into a bar (good start, eh?),

Which reminds me of the old classic:

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into a pub. Landlord says, "Oi, you three - Is this some kind of joke?!"

 

[FamilyWiggs]

Man dies and arrives at Pearly Gates, and joins the queue with a rabbit.

Man strikes up a conversation with the rabbit. "How did you die then, rabbit?"

"Well I went in to a pub and ordered a ham toastie, and when I'd finished it I had a cheese toastie, but I was still hungry so I ordered a tomato and onion toastie and ate that as well."

"I see. But what did you die of?"

"Mixin' my toasties" said the rabbit.

:roll:

 

[robgil]

ha ha , thanks guys, ive got a restless baby on my lap but i will get me funny story book out later.

 

[CatherineB]

"Is Hell, Hot or Cold?"


A retiring Physics professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One "A" was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
There are two possible conditions:
One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

We can resolve this question with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above (hell freezing over) has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic."


QED.

 

[Penners]

Or, for Tommy Cooper fans:

I said to the doorman, 'Call me a taxi.'

He said, "Certainly sir. You're a taxi.'

 

[FamilyWiggs]

Ah - you're* back Penners. I was fearful you'd been trapped under something heavy.

*NB the very carefully placed apostrophe. 8)

 

[Penners]

Not far from the truth, FW, in a planetary kind of way.

 

[LadyArowana]

Ah - you're* back Penners. I was fearful you'd been trapped under something heavy.

*NB the very carefully placed apostrophe. 8)

I thought we weren't supposed to mention his back.