Some items of late news

[DaveBrigg]

My neighbour was putting lime mortar on his outside walls when a tub fell off the scaffholding and landed on his head. A hospital spokesman said he had been rendered unconscious.

Mr Arnold Higgins of Scunthorpe was found not guilt in court of walking down the High street wearing nothing but a dozen panes of glass, when the judge accepted his excuse that he'd been framed.

A man was arrested last night trying to break into a bank dressed as a re-usable battery. Police have 48 hours in which to charge him.

I'll get my coat...

 

[Penners]

One of my neighbours refused to pay his exorcist, so he got repossessed.

His daughter was engaged to a man with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

His son fell into an upholstery machine. But I'm glad to say he's fully recovered.

 

[alice]

My neighbor was trimming a tree and had a chainsaw accident. He cut off his entire left side, but don't worry...he's all right now.

 

[stickybeak]

Thieves broke into a police station last night and stole all the loo seats. Officers say they have nothing to go on.

 

[chuckey]

A hole has appeared in the middle of the High street, the Police are looking into it.
Frank

 

[Penners]

A chap I knew jumped into the river in Paris. The coroner's court found that he was in Seine.

 

[stickybeak]

Did you hear about the bloke who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He got dragged under by the currant.

 

[NT]

You're really raisin the bar with that one, milking it muesli for all its worth.


NT

 

[Geoff Flegg]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

 

[chuckey]

Remember, nothing succeeds like a parrot!
Frank

 

[DaveBrigg]

I've just discovered that a previous owner once worked in a brick kiln. Unfortunately, he fell in one day and got fired.

 

[Penners]

A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison.

The newspaper headline read "small medium at large".

 

[NT]

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.


NT

 

[DaveBrigg]

I was down the pub last night when a woman asked the barman for a 'large innuendo' - so he gave her one.

 

[Moneypit]

Great news just in from Hollywood. A previously unseen Lone Ranger film is to be released. The plot revolves around the masked goodie and his indigineous North American friend going on a trip to Canada. It's called "Onto Toronto pronto Tonto"

 

[NT]

The funniest thing about humour is what we find funny...


NT

 

[DaveBrigg]

The local limewash supplier has been left with a limited stock of colours, after a ship full of red pigment collided with a ship full of blue pigment. The crew were marooned.

 

[alice]

There's a cross-eyed teacher at my school who was fired. He couldn't control his pupils.

 

[Penners]

The funniest thing about humour is what we find funny...

...or not, as the case may be.