Advice please...

[Anonymous]

I need some advice on what could be a major decision. I've suspected for some time now that my other half has been having it away with another bloke. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my other half, I don't know how to. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

I decided I was going to hide behind the pine end of the house, built of rubble stone in around 1850, which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind the wall that I noticed some defective pointing at ground level.

Is it too late in the year to remedy it with hydraulic lime?

 

[Anonymous]

I would never advise that this is remedied with hydraulic lime - non-hydraulic is what you need for pointing.

For the other little problem, this is one of the rare occasions where concrete could be used - boots, in the foundations for a motorway bridge...

 

[Anonymous]

It is a great pity that you have been unfortunate enough to find a bit of pointing that needs doing, what a wrench! Our hearts go out to you.

Yeah! Though ye walk in the valley of death and thy lip runneth over, thy rod in thy hand shall comfort thee.

Grimmers

 

[Anonymous]

Dear worried,

Do not squander time, or money, on lime mortar pointing at this time of year.

You would be far wiser to spend any spare cash on a single one way ticket to a ‘SPAB Home Owners Course’ in downtown Bangkok.

Brunhilde
(On site hostess)

 

[Anonymous]

Dearly beloved,

Have you ever stopped to ponder on the fact that this might just be entirely your fault my boy? A problem of the heart and an unnecessary repair, which is all of your very own making!

I would suggest that the ‘other man’ (who is probably only trying to help you out anyway), has been consistently piddling on the pointing at the pine end whilst awaiting an opportunity to sneak a bit.

Therefore, verily it is your own fault you pillock – as you should have locked the gate!!

Now, ‘GET A LIFE’ Taffy!

Pontiff to the plaintiff

 

[Anonymous]

Evelyn may be right - this is one place where cement might be in order. I'd suggest you dig down below the pine end and entomb the flighty jade to ensure she doesn't stray again.
And as for the suspected paramour - a large dollop of fat lime putty in the petrol tank of his passion wagon wouldn't go amiss.

 

[Anonymous]

I think this person is having a laugh, I can't believe you lot are giving them advice!

 

[Anonymous]

Really - I thought he wanted to know about pointing...

 

[Anonymous]

I see some people cannot recognise a really genuine letter when they see one!

Grimmers

 

[Anonymous]

It must be true, he is from Welsh Wales - and they do not tell lies there, much.

That sort of talk is an affront to that nice Mrs Douglas and the Hannibal Lecter Appreciation Society of Llanlongdongchockaloclingonconlongagogo . .

Look you.

Brunhilde

 

[Anonymous]

I know somebody in West Wales------------could it be thee ????!!!!
Jocelyn

 

[Anonymous]

No, I do not think so . . I am not West Welsh you see - I am with the West Woolwich.

Iggy

 

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't do anything too hasty in this situation. After all, the bloke wot's entertaining your missis might just be a builder with special qualifications in lime pointing (judging by her enthusiasm, he's obviously well qualified in something).
Broach the subject tactfully with her, and ask whether her "friend from the office" might have any advice about your pointing problem. If she thinks this is possible, I recommend you encourage the relationship until the warmer weather comes. Then suggest that she invites her office friend round for a "Bring Your Own Trowel" party.

 

[Anonymous]

Why would they want to bring their own towel - are man-sized wipes not good enough these days?

As far as I am concerned there is nothing like a good old douch under the yard tap . . but I suppose that is out of the question if you have a keen neighborhood watch about in your area!

Brunhilde

 

[Anonymous]

Neighbours or no neighbours, I'll definitely have a rinse down under the yard tap if you'll join me, Brunhilde. And bring your own 80 grit exfoliation scrub (if it's not worn out). I'll provide the wire brush.

 

[Anonymous]

Cheeky sod!

Brunhilde
(Apprentice Nun - late of the 51st Reeperbahn Division of the Order of St Pauli Strasse - 2nd tranche)

 

[Anonymous]

Evidently, you did well on your last apprenticeship exam paper my dear, but, Sister Patio tells me, that your identification of the ‘wimple’ was entirely incorrect as it is not down there!

I hear she had great difficulty in trying to unfold it.

May the force be with you.

Mother Lake Superior.